New York, NY, Sept. 25–MICHAEL RUHLMAN and ANTHONY BOURDAIN are pleased to announce:
The 1st ANNUAL GOLDEN CLOG AWARDS
The Best and Worst of the Year in Food
Nominees and categories to be announced in the Fall of 2007 shall be selected by an Advisory Board consisting of noted experts and authorities including chef/restaurateur and television personality Mario Batali, Next Iron Chef contender Michael Symon, journalists Russ Parsons in Los Angeles, Ed Levine and Jennifer Leuzzi in New York, and Dara Moskowitz in the heartland, among other notable and questionable authorities.
Winners will be decided unilaterally and unscientifically by Messrs. Ruhlman and Bourdain at the prestigious Awards Ceremony, to be held at the South Beach Wine and Food Festival in February 2008. While the presence of winners cannot be guaranteed or even recommended, celebrity presenters shall be in attendance. The valuable, vintage clogs given to those winners who do show up shall surely take their places among the Greatest Honors of Recorded History!
Award Categories include:
THE "FERGUS" AWARD — for best achievement in offal.
THE "ALTON" AWARD — for the food personality who can actually cook.
THE "MARIO" AWARD — for the chef/restaurateur who best multi-tasked, merchandised, multi-platformed and generally whored himself or herself yet still continued to make significant and valuable contributions to the restaurant landscape.
THE "ROCCO" AWARD — for worst career move by a talented chef.
THE "CHEF’S CHEF" AWARD — for the least heralded yet most deserving working chef.
And many more! Stay tuned to this blog for updates!
Offerings:
BAM Award – Goes to the Food-Personality with the biggest “SCHTICK”
EVOO Award – Goes to the Food-Personality with the worst sounding voice.
FPILF Award – Goes to the “Food-Personality I would Like to Fuck”
FN Award – Goes to the Food-Personality that is completely void of any Food content.
I’ll keep thinking of more…
Don’t forget corporate sponsors for each award and category that they correlate to. EX, th eRocco award could be “brought to you by Fancy Feast”, or whatever cat food he is shilling these days.
If this is not actually going to happen, I’ll be very disappointed. I’m already disappointed that there is no “Howie In Heels” award – for the chef who best kicked his own ass in a nationally televised competition.
So this is what happens on a cold day in the middle of winter in Cleveland…. I can barely type I am laughing so hard.
If it isn’t televised this year, at least make sure the Podcast is available. This sounds like it will be tear wiping, side grabbing, ROTFL funny.
It better be televised next year. I’m sure that FN can make room for it by dropping some challenge or other.
The “Zimmern” Award, for best recipe combining testicles and insects?
When all else fails do an awards show? are u for real? before I tune out of this blog forever, you forgot one more award: the giada de laurentis award for the best cleaveage..not cleaver, cleaveage.
“first annual?”
try inaugural.
Yea, more awards. I do love the categories. Post the winners for us,( I know you will.)
Will you be blogging about your new digs over at the Next Iron Chef? I want you to critique in Japanese with dubbing.
how do we get tix?
I just can’t decide if I’m going to spend $500 on a round of golf with Ming Tsai, eating hamburger sammies and drinking Amstel Lights with Rachael Ray or on seven minutes of heaven with Sandra Lee and some store-bought frosting.
Maybe there should be a Roker award for best weatherman/food personality and not the other way around.
Kudos. I have always thought that Crocs would make a better trophies than shoes. And how fitting for the recipients…
I wait on bated breath.
The “winners” should have to drink champagne from the clog. And please we need a “Giada” award for best tarted- up cleavage in a supposedly serious chef.
So this is what happens when Ruhlman and Bourdain are left alone with a bottle of Jack Daniels and too many cupcakes.
I picture the two of them making up categories, rolling on the floor and laughing so hard they’re in tears.
I’m appalled at the lack of a Sandra Lee category. What, tablescaping isn’t good enough for you food snobs? What about her colorful, not-at-all-sketchy-looking cocktails? Unbelievable.
Yeah, please add the “YUMM-O” category for “complete inability to make anything from scratch.”
Oh my. The FN sponsors will not be pleased, methinks.
And Michael, really….FIRST annual? I know you’re a fan of Strunk & White. Ahem.
–parkbench
So, this is what you’ve been up to, Tony? Spray painting one of Mario’s clogs while awaiting your own Emmy? The use of the word “vintage” has me a little worried about that clog’s . . . . uhhhh . . . provenance.
Oh, Jesus Christ, they have truly let you run amokb in SoBe, Bourdain – and now you’ve dragged the perfectly respectable Ruhlman in with you? (!) Maybe you should also consider your equivalent of a Razzberry – for the individual who is the biggest blight in the food industry, on TV, in the kitchen, in mass media . . . or is that too obvious a choice? And where will you be “presenting” these? Not at the Amstel Light Burger Bash on Friday, perhaps, but how about the Fettucine and Fiorentina fling with Batali and – good God, your favorite jail bait – Jamie Oliver? No, wait – at the Vongrichten tribute dinner! Perfect!
OK, the Ruhlman board DEMANDS video of this. Don’t make us Google youtube.
Shouldn’t the winner of the “Mario” receive an orange clog?
Oh God – please tell me these golden clogs weren’t previously owned and used during actual dinner service by Mario. Molto gross.
South Beach + Ruhlman + Bourdain = Unabated debauchery & snark
If the people of Miami are smart, they’ll be praying for an off-season hurricane to hit.
I’m pretty sure this is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse – the most entertaining Sign, of course.
No “Entenmann” Award… Pastry chef’s get the shaft again!
This is why I keep coming back here. I’m either learning stuff or I’m laughing my head off!